The Man Cave on…Retirement and Significant Others
Are conflicts that arise in retirement fueling the rise in “Grey Divorce?” Handling the change in dynamics is key to happy coupledom.
Imagine you retired a couple of years ago. Your kids have left the nest, and you enjoy your hobbies, time to exercise, and new routines. You especially relish having the house to yourself and the peace and quiet.
Until now.
Your partner has just retired and is at home 24/7. Your routines are interrupted, the TV is blaring, and you’re constantly being asked to accompany them on errands, walks, and visiting friends. You liked things better when your significant other was at work and weekends were your together time.
The Change in Dynamics
Scenarios like this are all too common. Without an open and honest discussion, the situation can grow so stressful that it can end badly. The so-called “Gray Divorce”—which has been increasing among couples over 60 for various reasons—can sometimes stem from the change in dynamics that come with retirement. (Here’s one take on the topic, including a woman’s observation that post-divorce, she moved on while her ex-husband had a relationship with the TV.)
While I haven’t retired, I can relate to the challenges that come with a change in careers. Years ago, I left the corporate world to pursue a full-time writing and speaking career. My “home office” was spread between a spare bedroom and an office, with projects creeping into other rooms. My wife had to adjust not only to my mess but also to my increased presence at home. Looking back, we should have discussed the change in my occupation beforehand and established parameters that worked for both of us. Addressing personal space, assigning household tasks, and scheduling regular time together for activities we both enjoy would have been beneficial.
Challenges and Changes
I’ve also heard from friends about the difficulties that arise when one partner retires while the other continues to work:
- Jealousy of the other’s free time
- Issues can arise when one partner is earning money and the other is not
- With the different income dynamic, one person might try to “supervise” the spending of the other
- Lack of “quiet” time
Difficulty Adjusting to Retirement
Perhaps the most impactful challenge occurs when a partner retires, and their adjustment to newfound freedom does not go well. They may mope around the house, experience a diminished sense of purpose and self-worth, and face boredom or even depression due to a lack of structure. This is when therapy, either individual or joint, can be crucial.
A marriage counselor shares a few tips here on maintaining compatibility during retirement, along with some innovative approaches to the concept of retirement. If you think these concerns are exaggerated, check out this in-depth study on the spillover effects on spouses when one retires, both mentally and physically.
The Silver Lining
On the flip side, positive changes can occur when both partners retire:
- Time for each to pursue individual interests and then share the day’s events over dinner
- Time for unhurried intimacy
- Time to travel to destinations you’ve both longed to see
It’s essential to talk to your significant other about the changes that may occur in retirement. You don’t have to end up with a “relationship with your television!”
YOUR TURN
How has retirement for one or both partners affected your relationship? How have you handled the challenges? Share your thoughts in the comments!
Michael Tougias is a NY Times bestselling author of nonfiction books such as A Storm Too Soon, Fatal Forecast and No Will Set You Free.
Are conflicts that arise in retirement fueling the rise in “Grey Divorce?” Handling the change in dynamics is key to happy coupledom.
Imagine you retired a couple of years ago. Your kids have left the nest, and you enjoy your hobbies, time to exercise, and new routines. You especially relish having the house to yourself and the peace and quiet.
Until now.
Your partner has just retired and is at home 24/7. Your routines are interrupted, the TV is blaring, and you’re constantly being asked to accompany them on errands, walks, and visiting friends. You liked things better when your significant other was at work and weekends were your together time.
The Change in Dynamics
Scenarios like this are all too common. Without an open and honest discussion, the situation can grow so stressful that it can end badly. The so-called “Gray Divorce”—which has been increasing among couples over 60 for various reasons—can sometimes stem from the change in dynamics that come with retirement. (Here’s one take on the topic, including a woman’s observation that post-divorce, she moved on while her ex-husband had a relationship with the TV.)
While I haven’t retired, I can relate to the challenges that come with a change in careers. Years ago, I left the corporate world to pursue a full-time writing and speaking career. My “home office” was spread between a spare bedroom and an office, with projects creeping into other rooms. My wife had to adjust not only to my mess but also to my increased presence at home. Looking back, we should have discussed the change in my occupation beforehand and established parameters that worked for both of us. Addressing personal space, assigning household tasks, and scheduling regular time together for activities we both enjoy would have been beneficial.
Challenges and Changes
I’ve also heard from friends about the difficulties that arise when one partner retires while the other continues to work:
- Jealousy of the other’s free time
- Issues can arise when one partner is earning money and the other is not
- With the different income dynamic, one person might try to “supervise” the spending of the other
- Lack of “quiet” time
Difficulty Adjusting to Retirement
Perhaps the most impactful challenge occurs when a partner retires, and their adjustment to newfound freedom does not go well. They may mope around the house, experience a diminished sense of purpose and self-worth, and face boredom or even depression due to a lack of structure. This is when therapy, either individual or joint, can be crucial.
A marriage counselor shares a few tips here on maintaining compatibility during retirement, along with some innovative approaches to the concept of retirement. If you think these concerns are exaggerated, check out this in-depth study on the spillover effects on spouses when one retires, both mentally and physically.
The Silver Lining
On the flip side, positive changes can occur when both partners retire:
- Time for each to pursue individual interests and then share the day’s events over dinner
- Time for unhurried intimacy
- Time to travel to destinations you’ve both longed to see
It’s essential to talk to your significant other about the changes that may occur in retirement. You don’t have to end up with a “relationship with your television!”
YOUR TURN
How has retirement for one or both partners affected your relationship? How have you handled the challenges? Share your thoughts in the comments!
Michael Tougias is a NY Times bestselling author of nonfiction books such as A Storm Too Soon, Fatal Forecast and No Will Set You Free.
