Ask Joan: I Can’t Sleep with My Partner!
Joan counsels a woman who loves sex but not sleeping with her husband. Is it time for separate bedrooms?
My husband (75) and I (72) have been married for 20 years — a late-in-life romance. Our sex life has always been satisfying, enhanced by sex toys and laughter, which complement our intimate knowledge of our own and each other’s bodies. We have fun together and communicate well. However, there’s one significant issue: I don’t like sleeping with my husband.
This isn’t about sex — I love sex with him! What I struggle with is sharing a bedroom. His snoring and frequent trips to the bathroom disrupt my sleep. As a light sleeper, once I’m awake, it can take me an hour to drift back off. He rises early, leaving me to catch up on sleep half the morning.
We have a small spare room that I use for sewing, which has a pull-out bed for occasional visitors. When sleep eludes me due to his interruptions, I find relief in that quiet, solitary space.
But no!
My husband isn’t on board with this. He insists he can sleep through my tossing and turning, claiming that this is how couples cope. He worries that our sex life will suffer if we sleep in separate rooms. I remind him that our best intimate moments often happen late morning or early afternoon. We rarely reach for each other at night, except for a few minutes of sweet spooning before retreating to our respective sides of the bed. Early mornings have never been my time for arousal.
This issue has intensified as we’ve aged, especially over the past year. I’m exhausted and unsure if this is a personal issue or a couple’s dilemma. Should I just accept it, or should I insist on sleeping in the sewing room?
Taking its Toll
The conflict is now affecting our sex life. He’s becoming increasingly cranky, while I’m left feeling sleepy and resentful. This combination is not conducive to intimacy. Our frequency of sex has dwindled from twice a week to perhaps twice a month, and only when I take the initiative. Is he right that sleeping apart will create more distance? I long for the return of my sexy, non-grumpy husband!
– Yearning for Separate Bedrooms
Joan responds:
It’s essential to separate the concepts of sex and sleep. Both are human needs that can become more challenging with age, but they are fundamentally different. Two people can love each other deeply and still struggle to sleep well together. Recognizing this is not a failure; it’s a challenge that can be addressed through communication, affection, and a willingness to explore alternative sleeping arrangements.
Good sex isn’t dependent on immediate accessibility to a warm body in bed. Especially at our age, it’s more about intentionality, planning, and anticipation.
Plan Sex Dates
Your husband fears that sleeping in the sewing room will harm your sex life, but it’s already suffering due to unresolved conflict. Good sex doesn’t rely on being in the same bed; it thrives on intentionality and planning. I recommend scheduling sex dates to prioritize intimacy. These dates create “mental foreplay,” allowing your brain — the primary sex organ — to anticipate pleasure long before you’re in bed together.
Consider what you’ll wear (naked or in sexy lingerie?), what you’ll need (lubricant and sex toys at the ready), and any erotic surprises (like a blindfold or massage oil). This preparation can transform your sex date into an exciting experience.
Once you start planning and enjoying these dates, I believe your husband’s objections will fade. You’ll both discover that you can have more fulfilling sex when well-rested and looking forward to your intimate time together.
Talk it Over
Communicate with your husband about your love for him and the joy you find in his arms. However, stress that you can only be fully present and happy if you get uninterrupted sleep. Suggest spooning at night as usual, then whisper, “I love you, good night,” before quietly moving to the sewing room. When you wake up refreshed, greet him with a hug and a plan for your next sex date. Be affectionate to reassure him that your feelings for him are enhanced, not diminished, by this separate sleep arrangement. I hope he’ll come to understand.
As noted in the resources below, the media often uses the unfortunate term “sleep divorce” to describe couples who sleep in separate rooms. I find this term misleading; sleeping separately can often strengthen a relationship and bring couples closer together!
Try These Resources
YOUR TURN
Your turn: Have you and your partner faced similar issues? How did you resolve them? Please share in the comments.
Want to Ask Joan?
Do you have a question for Joan? Read this before submitting!
- You must be age 60 and above. Be sure to state your age.
- No short questions. Include a clear and interesting backstory: what happened that led to the problem/question?
- Check back columns in case Joan has already addressed your topic. If so, but your question wasn’t addressed, put a new spin on the topic.
- If your question is right for Joan’s column, she will email you directly and select your question only if you respond to her email. After you submit your question, check your spam/junk folder in case your overzealous spam filter captures her email.
- Joan cannot acknowledge receipt of every email and just sending a question does not guarantee that it will be selected.
- Selected questions will be answered in this public column, not privately. If you want a private answer, you can book Joan for a personal consultation.
- This is an advice column from a sex educator, not a substitute for a doctor or therapist.
- Ready to submit your question? Email sexpert@seniorplanet.org.
Joan Price has been Senior Planet’s “Sex at Our Age” columnist since 2014. She is the author of four self-help books about senior sex, including her award winners: “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex” and the newly updated and expanded “Sex after Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality after Losing Your Beloved.” Visit Joan’s website and blog for senior sex news, views, tips, and sex toy reviews from a senior perspective. Subscribe to Joan’s free, monthly newsletter.
Joan counsels a woman who loves sex but not sleeping with her husband. Is it time for separate bedrooms?
My husband (75) and I (72) have been married for 20 years — a late-in-life romance. Our sex life has always been satisfying, enhanced by sex toys and laughter, which complement our intimate knowledge of our own and each other’s bodies. We have fun together and communicate well. However, there’s one significant issue: I don’t like sleeping with my husband.
This isn’t about sex — I love sex with him! What I struggle with is sharing a bedroom. His snoring and frequent trips to the bathroom disrupt my sleep. As a light sleeper, once I’m awake, it can take me an hour to drift back off. He rises early, leaving me to catch up on sleep half the morning.
We have a small spare room that I use for sewing, which has a pull-out bed for occasional visitors. When sleep eludes me due to his interruptions, I find relief in that quiet, solitary space.
But no!
My husband isn’t on board with this. He insists he can sleep through my tossing and turning, claiming that this is how couples cope. He worries that our sex life will suffer if we sleep in separate rooms. I remind him that our best intimate moments often happen late morning or early afternoon. We rarely reach for each other at night, except for a few minutes of sweet spooning before retreating to our respective sides of the bed. Early mornings have never been my time for arousal.
This issue has intensified as we’ve aged, especially over the past year. I’m exhausted and unsure if this is a personal issue or a couple’s dilemma. Should I just accept it, or should I insist on sleeping in the sewing room?
Taking its Toll
The conflict is now affecting our sex life. He’s becoming increasingly cranky, while I’m left feeling sleepy and resentful. This combination is not conducive to intimacy. Our frequency of sex has dwindled from twice a week to perhaps twice a month, and only when I take the initiative. Is he right that sleeping apart will create more distance? I long for the return of my sexy, non-grumpy husband!
– Yearning for Separate Bedrooms
Joan responds:
It’s essential to separate the concepts of sex and sleep. Both are human needs that can become more challenging with age, but they are fundamentally different. Two people can love each other deeply and still struggle to sleep well together. Recognizing this is not a failure; it’s a challenge that can be addressed through communication, affection, and a willingness to explore alternative sleeping arrangements.
Good sex isn’t dependent on immediate accessibility to a warm body in bed. Especially at our age, it’s more about intentionality, planning, and anticipation.
Plan Sex Dates
Your husband fears that sleeping in the sewing room will harm your sex life, but it’s already suffering due to unresolved conflict. Good sex doesn’t rely on being in the same bed; it thrives on intentionality and planning. I recommend scheduling sex dates to prioritize intimacy. These dates create “mental foreplay,” allowing your brain — the primary sex organ — to anticipate pleasure long before you’re in bed together.
Consider what you’ll wear (naked or in sexy lingerie?), what you’ll need (lubricant and sex toys at the ready), and any erotic surprises (like a blindfold or massage oil). This preparation can transform your sex date into an exciting experience.
Once you start planning and enjoying these dates, I believe your husband’s objections will fade. You’ll both discover that you can have more fulfilling sex when well-rested and looking forward to your intimate time together.
Talk it Over
Communicate with your husband about your love for him and the joy you find in his arms. However, stress that you can only be fully present and happy if you get uninterrupted sleep. Suggest spooning at night as usual, then whisper, “I love you, good night,” before quietly moving to the sewing room. When you wake up refreshed, greet him with a hug and a plan for your next sex date. Be affectionate to reassure him that your feelings for him are enhanced, not diminished, by this separate sleep arrangement. I hope he’ll come to understand.
As noted in the resources below, the media often uses the unfortunate term “sleep divorce” to describe couples who sleep in separate rooms. I find this term misleading; sleeping separately can often strengthen a relationship and bring couples closer together!
Try These Resources
YOUR TURN
Your turn: Have you and your partner faced similar issues? How did you resolve them? Please share in the comments.
Want to Ask Joan?
Do you have a question for Joan? Read this before submitting!
- You must be age 60 and above. Be sure to state your age.
- No short questions. Include a clear and interesting backstory: what happened that led to the problem/question?
- Check back columns in case Joan has already addressed your topic. If so, but your question wasn’t addressed, put a new spin on the topic.
- If your question is right for Joan’s column, she will email you directly and select your question only if you respond to her email. After you submit your question, check your spam/junk folder in case your overzealous spam filter captures her email.
- Joan cannot acknowledge receipt of every email and just sending a question does not guarantee that it will be selected.
- Selected questions will be answered in this public column, not privately. If you want a private answer, you can book Joan for a personal consultation.
- This is an advice column from a sex educator, not a substitute for a doctor or therapist.
- Ready to submit your question? Email sexpert@seniorplanet.org.
Joan Price has been Senior Planet’s “Sex at Our Age” columnist since 2014. She is the author of four self-help books about senior sex, including her award winners: “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex” and the newly updated and expanded “Sex after Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality after Losing Your Beloved.” Visit Joan’s website and blog for senior sex news, views, tips, and sex toy reviews from a senior perspective. Subscribe to Joan’s free, monthly newsletter.
