Ask Joan: Too Much Loss
Joan advises a reader about handling intimacy after a prostate procedure.
I’m 72, married to my wife for more than 50 years. Through 40 of those years, we had sex almost daily, if not more. Unfortunately, I faced prostate issues and underwent a “roto rooter” job not just once, but twice! The most challenging aspect of this procedure is that I no longer ejaculate through my penis; instead, it goes back into the bladder.
Changes
Neither of us anticipated how much this would affect us. My wife misses the sensation of ejaculation in her vagina, and I miss the feeling of it exiting my penis. This change has taken a toll on both of us, and now I can barely achieve an erection. During intimacy, I find myself giving her oral sex. If I’m fortunate enough to ejaculate, I can feel it, but knowing I’m not inside her makes me feel less of a man, and she doesn’t enjoy sex as she once did.
I’m trying to understand why she seems less interested in sex. She often says she’s too tired or not feeling well. I long for the closeness we used to share and the feeling of her body around mine. What can I do to encourage her to make love at least once a day, if not more?
– Too Much Loss
Joan responds:
It seems there are two questions at play here:
- The question you asked: “What can I do to help get her back to making love at least once a day if not more?” This focuses on the quantity of sex.
- The question you didn’t ask: “Given our current reality, how can we make sex more enjoyable and satisfying?” This addresses the quality of sex — which is crucial.
Roto Rooter?
To clarify what you mean by “roto rooter” procedure, the Mayo Clinic describes it as follows:
Transurethral resection of the prostate (TURP) is a common surgery used to treat urinary problems caused by an enlarged prostate. A resectoscope is inserted through the penis and into the urethra, allowing the surgeon to see and trim away excess prostate tissue that blocks urine flow.
A common risk of TURP is “dry orgasm,” or “retrograde ejaculation,” where semen is released into the bladder instead of out of the penis during orgasm. This is what you’re experiencing. It feels like an orgasm — it is an orgasm! — but without visible ejaculate. This doesn’t diminish sexual pleasure.
The Challenges
I empathize with your distress and understand the challenges you face:
- Physical: You can’t rely on erections and no longer ejaculate through your penis.
- Emotional: Both of you miss the type of sex you once enjoyed.
- Relationship: Your wife seems to have lost interest in daily sex and may not be fully honest about her reasons.
Physical: Aging and medical issues often necessitate changes in how we engage in sex. For you, the changes are stark, with the absence of ejaculate and unreliable erections. However, there are many ways to enjoy intimacy that don’t require either.
Emotional: It’s natural to grieve the loss of what you once cherished about sex. I encourage you to explore how you and your wife can still find joy in intimacy. You can still experience orgasm without intercourse — this doesn’t make you any less of a man or lover. Non-penetrative sex is not a lesser substitute; it is the real thing!
Relationship: I suspect your wife has withdrawn from frequent sex because the anxiety surrounding your intimacy affects her enjoyment. You mention that you “have to give her oral sex.” She can likely sense that you view it as a chore. If you approach it with delight instead, wouldn’t she enjoy it more? Similarly, if she helps you reach orgasm without intercourse, focus on being present with her.
Where to go from here
You can’t revert to the past, but you can move forward. Both the quantity and quality of your sex life can improve if you celebrate the various ways to give and receive pleasure, rather than longing for the old days. Discuss with your wife what kinds of intimacy she would enjoy, given your current circumstances. Share your desires as well. Embrace the sensations and intimacy you can still share. Explore options in my webinar, “Great Sex Without Penetration.”
If you need further assistance, consider consulting a sex therapist. You can find one in your area through the referral directory from the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT).
Sex is not over for you; it can be fulfilling with the right mindset, open communication, and a focus on pleasure rather than goals. I wish you both the best.
Do you have a question for Joan? Read this before submitting!
- You must be age 60 and above. Be sure to state your age.
- No short questions. Include a clear and interesting backstory: what happened that led to the problem/question?
- Check back columns in case Joan has already addressed your topic. If so, but your question wasn’t addressed, put a new spin on the topic.
- If your question is suitable for Joan’s column, she will email you directly and select your question only if you respond to her email. After submitting, check your spam/junk folder in case her email gets filtered.
- Joan cannot acknowledge receipt of every email, and sending a question does not guarantee selection.
- Selected questions will be answered in this public column, not privately. If you want a private answer, you can book Joan for a personal consultation.
- This is an advice column from a sex educator, not a substitute for a doctor or therapist.
- Ready to submit your question? Email sexpert@seniorplanet.org.
Joan Price has been Senior Planet’s “Sex at Our Age” columnist since 2014. She is the 
author of four self-help books about senior sex, including her award winners, the newly updated and expanded “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex” and “Sex after Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality after Losing Your Beloved.” Visit Joan’s website and blog for senior sex news, views, tips, and sex toy reviews from a senior perspective. Subscribe to Joan’s free, monthly newsletter.
Joan advises a reader about handling intimacy after a prostate procedure.
I’m 72, married to my wife for more than 50 years. Through 40 of those years, we had sex almost daily, if not more. Unfortunately, I faced prostate issues and underwent a “roto rooter” job not just once, but twice! The most challenging aspect of this procedure is that I no longer ejaculate through my penis; instead, it goes back into the bladder.
Changes
Neither of us anticipated how much this would affect us. My wife misses the sensation of ejaculation in her vagina, and I miss the feeling of it exiting my penis. This change has taken a toll on both of us, and now I can barely achieve an erection. During intimacy, I find myself giving her oral sex. If I’m fortunate enough to ejaculate, I can feel it, but knowing I’m not inside her makes me feel less of a man, and she doesn’t enjoy sex as she once did.
I’m trying to understand why she seems less interested in sex. She often says she’s too tired or not feeling well. I long for the closeness we used to share and the feeling of her body around mine. What can I do to encourage her to make love at least once a day, if not more?
– Too Much Loss
Joan responds:
It seems there are two questions at play here:
- The question you asked: “What can I do to help get her back to making love at least once a day if not more?” This focuses on the quantity of sex.
- The question you didn’t ask: “Given our current reality, how can we make sex more enjoyable and satisfying?” This addresses the quality of sex — which is crucial.
Roto Rooter?
To clarify what you mean by “roto rooter” procedure, the Mayo Clinic describes it as follows:
Transurethral resection of the prostate (TURP) is a common surgery used to treat urinary problems caused by an enlarged prostate. A resectoscope is inserted through the penis and into the urethra, allowing the surgeon to see and trim away excess prostate tissue that blocks urine flow.
A common risk of TURP is “dry orgasm,” or “retrograde ejaculation,” where semen is released into the bladder instead of out of the penis during orgasm. This is what you’re experiencing. It feels like an orgasm — it is an orgasm! — but without visible ejaculate. This doesn’t diminish sexual pleasure.
The Challenges
I empathize with your distress and understand the challenges you face:
- Physical: You can’t rely on erections and no longer ejaculate through your penis.
- Emotional: Both of you miss the type of sex you once enjoyed.
- Relationship: Your wife seems to have lost interest in daily sex and may not be fully honest about her reasons.
Physical: Aging and medical issues often necessitate changes in how we engage in sex. For you, the changes are stark, with the absence of ejaculate and unreliable erections. However, there are many ways to enjoy intimacy that don’t require either.
Emotional: It’s natural to grieve the loss of what you once cherished about sex. I encourage you to explore how you and your wife can still find joy in intimacy. You can still experience orgasm without intercourse — this doesn’t make you any less of a man or lover. Non-penetrative sex is not a lesser substitute; it is the real thing!
Relationship: I suspect your wife has withdrawn from frequent sex because the anxiety surrounding your intimacy affects her enjoyment. You mention that you “have to give her oral sex.” She can likely sense that you view it as a chore. If you approach it with delight instead, wouldn’t she enjoy it more? Similarly, if she helps you reach orgasm without intercourse, focus on being present with her.
Where to go from here
You can’t revert to the past, but you can move forward. Both the quantity and quality of your sex life can improve if you celebrate the various ways to give and receive pleasure, rather than longing for the old days. Discuss with your wife what kinds of intimacy she would enjoy, given your current circumstances. Share your desires as well. Embrace the sensations and intimacy you can still share. Explore options in my webinar, “Great Sex Without Penetration.”
If you need further assistance, consider consulting a sex therapist. You can find one in your area through the referral directory from the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT).
Sex is not over for you; it can be fulfilling with the right mindset, open communication, and a focus on pleasure rather than goals. I wish you both the best.
Do you have a question for Joan? Read this before submitting!
- You must be age 60 and above. Be sure to state your age.
- No short questions. Include a clear and interesting backstory: what happened that led to the problem/question?
- Check back columns in case Joan has already addressed your topic. If so, but your question wasn’t addressed, put a new spin on the topic.
- If your question is suitable for Joan’s column, she will email you directly and select your question only if you respond to her email. After submitting, check your spam/junk folder in case her email gets filtered.
- Joan cannot acknowledge receipt of every email, and sending a question does not guarantee selection.
- Selected questions will be answered in this public column, not privately. If you want a private answer, you can book Joan for a personal consultation.
- This is an advice column from a sex educator, not a substitute for a doctor or therapist.
- Ready to submit your question? Email sexpert@seniorplanet.org.
Joan Price has been Senior Planet’s “Sex at Our Age” columnist since 2014. She is the author of four self-help books about senior sex, including her award winners, the newly updated and expanded “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex” and “Sex after Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality after Losing Your Beloved.” Visit Joan’s website and blog for senior sex news, views, tips, and sex toy reviews from a senior perspective. Subscribe to Joan’s free, monthly newsletter.
